happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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