im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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