you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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