I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
