Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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