the condom got lost in my hair
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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