her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
