see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
