wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
