I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
