Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
