The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Help me help you realize you are a moron
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize