when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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