if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
