I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
