you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize