you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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