we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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