im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
