Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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