Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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