you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
