i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
