dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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