I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
