I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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