Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
