u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
