Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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