dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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