I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
love makes seman taste better
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
