i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
