Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
