It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
