I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
