I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize