Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
