Swine flu is the new snow day.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
