Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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