I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
