I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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