and you said cock pushups were impossible
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
