I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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