i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
