I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
