Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
