last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
