This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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