No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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