i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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