I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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