So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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