; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
