Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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