Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
