Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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