I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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