I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
