i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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