I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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