pedialite and red bull = repair kit
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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