guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
